Are You Confident About Orgasm

I am not surprised by the results that 85% of men said the last person they slept with had an orgasm, but only 64% of women said they did. Men can't hide it when they orgasm – it's an easy one to verify – but with women, it's not so easy, at least not with all women. From what I have heard clinically, there are a couple of things going on here. Many men just assume women have orgasmed and don't ask.

It takes a confident man to ask his partner "How does it feel for you?" or "Can I do anything better?" It is putting a woman's pleasure and satisfaction before his own.

But there is also the fact that women are still socialised and raised to please. It is easier for a woman to say nothing if it is not working, and then wait for it to be over. The woman may also be thinking ahead, and trying to prevent problems in the future by not saying anything – in case he gets anxious, in which case, neither of them will have any fun.

There is also the slight possibility of some women reporting different kinds of orgasms when they are masturbating compared to when they are having sex – and may only call the feeling they get during masturbation orgasms. But there is violent disagreement among psychologists about this.

If couples are having problems, I always urge them to go for a romantic meal out to talk about sex, where they are under no pressure to actually have any. It makes it easier to be honest and results in interesting information which they can then bring to another session of love-making. In the end that's much better sexually for the couple.

In the west, there is too much emphasis on results not process. We focus on penetration and orgasm because of our goal-orientated culture. This mindset does not bring happiness – and that's why my clinics are always full. In long-term relationships where the initial passion has simmered down, it's not about the result, it's about the pleasure.

This is a large survey, but people always try to please and give the "right" answers, so I am a bit sceptical about whether we can ever get really accurate information about something so personal. When it's online, there is no one there to question it. So I would say read the survey with amusement and then take your partner out to dinner and have a good talk about sex.