Why Girl Attracted to Bad Boys

Q. I understand that females want men who care, who bond with them and make them feel special, but I have seen a lot of women who respect "bad boys" more than they do a guy who is romantic. In other words, the nice romantic guy does all that work and the player plays with the girl and ends up with her !!! I always see this.

A. A bad boy is attractive to a woman because he is exciting and unpredictable, and a wimp or a typical nice guy is perfect all the time, but is boring. So, the real question for you to examine is how can you be an exciting, passionate man without having to be a jerk in the process. It means make things exciting with a woman, not predictable.

When you do something nice for a woman, you are applying what behaviorists call "reinforcement." Intuitively, "bad boys" know all about this. A "reinforcement" is a reward something that feels good that the subject gets for performing a certain behavior or for having a certain feeling. For instance, giving a dog a treat when he comes to you when you call his name reinforces the behavior of coming when you call. In time, the dog will look forward to coming when you call, because he knows that obeying you will mean he'll get a reinforcement that he likes.

The thing to know is that if you give the dog a treat every single time he comes when you call, he'll start to get lazy. He'll figure, "Eh, why should I hurry? I can get over there in my own good time, and take the treat." Constant reinforcement stops being effective after a while.

You may have noticed this in your own relationships. Have you ever had someone who consistently goes out of his or her way to make you feel special? Suppose that one morning, out of the blue, someone at your work place brought you a cup of excellent coffee when you first sat down at your desk. You'd probably feel pretty special, and you'd be happy to see that person later in the day. You would have associated seeing that person with the good feelings you got from the gift.

But now imagine if that person brought you coffee every single day, like clockwork, and never missed a day. At first you'd probably appreciate it, then you'd notice it less, then you'd hardly notice it at all. You might even start complaining when the coffee wasn't exactly the way you liked it, or get angry if he or she missed a day. You'd naturally go from being delighted by the constant gifts to seeing them as a regular part of life, or even as something you intrinsically deserve. This is a natural reaction to constant, unvarying reinforcement.

If you constantly shower a woman with gifts and attention, you run the risk of the same thing happening. At first, it's important to reinforce a woman constantly; it gets her in the habit of being happy about seeing you. But after a while, if your gifts and attention are going to stay effective, you must start bestowing them a little more irregularly.

This is what behavior experts call a "variable schedule of reinforcement." You don't give her flowers every week, or every date. You don't always have a little gift for her. You don't always show up to flirt with her at the same time, or on the same day. You vary your schedule of making her feel extra-good, and thus keep the interaction exciting and fresh for her.

Tom puts a variable schedule of reinforcement to good use. "When I first start dating a woman, I go out of my way to make her feel good a lot," he says. "But in time, I know I can start scaling back. As long as I keep making her feel good often, I get better results if I don't reinforce her with special gifts or presents every single time I see her."

The classic trap to watch out for is any reinforcing behavior that begins to look like a habit to you. Keep an eye open for things you always do to make her feel special. Don't always bring her gifts; don't always visit her work place once every three days. Vary your schedule of reinforcement, and you'll have a lot more success.